I'll find you
by 100FACES
Summary: Love hurts you it destroys you then remakes you, and never will you be the same again. About Liv and Alex's relationship and how Olivia is afraid to tell alex her feelings, R&R because you love me.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em so don't sue me.

I don't think I can go through another tomorrow without you, you've been gone for so long. Tomorrow I'll go on hiding my emotions from my colleagues because that's all I know how to do. Even with my body still alive however sleep deprived I feel as if my soul died the night you were shot, the night I lost you.

I remember before I knew you were alive when I saw your face on the cover of the newspaper. I'd thought you were dead, now thinking back I wish I had gone on thinking that, knowing you're alive and that I'm not aloud to be with you hurts me even more than the thought of you being dead.

I loved the way you took command of the courtroom how all eyes were on you well you spoke. The way it felt when your eyes landed on me and the way your face seemed so perfect so angelic, those feelings are what made me attracted to you but it was the conversations we shared when we went to bars after work-those times I got to know you that made me fall in love with you.

I wish that I'd told you that I loved you I know I seems stupid for me to say that but it's true, I don't know if it would have made me feel better about you being gone but it certainly couldn't make me feel worse.

I cried every night after your "death" for months did you know that? When I saw you that night when you told me and Elliot that you had gone into witness protection, that was the first time I'd cried in months.

Before you left me I had always had nightmares, but after you were gone I started to have nightmares of your shooting, and I'd always wake up shaking, drenched in sweet thinking there was blood on my hands. I'd eventually come to my senses and realize I'd just been dreaming but I'd still cry because I knew dream or not that it had really happened that you had been shoot and taken away.

It's because of you that I fear going to bed every night-because of you that my sleep is never a peaceful one. How dare you leave me? Can't you understand that I miss you and that it's bringing me pain to be apart from you? I know I shouldn't blame you-you didn't decide to get shot but I wonder if you hadn't been so damn stubborn would you still be in the same place? I know there's nothing that you can do to get out of witness protection…

I wonder where you are now. Are you sleeping with your lover or have you giving up on romance? Do you still have the same long gorgeous blonde hair as when I last saw you? Do you miss me? What do you to for a living? Gosh there are so many things I want to ask you so many questions floating around my head, waiting somewhere at the back of my mind to see you and come flowing out of my lips.

Then one day I remember when you came back to help prosecute your killer, you have no idea how much it hurt to hear you talk about your boyfriend and how he called you Emily when you made love. I'd do anything to be in his place. But you-you didn't even realize how much I love you and you couldn't have possibly of had any feelings for me.

Then when we were supposed to be celebrating our victory over your shooter with the others, I thought you were going to come through that door. But instead what's his face said you'd been relocated and that you said good-bye.

It's not fair how you were ripped from my clutches before I could tell you how I feel…before I could hear you reject me…well probably. Today is the anniversary of your "death", I wish there was some way I could see you now talk to you and tell you how much I miss you.

I wish I could just stop thinking about you-about the chance I missed to tell you those three precious words. But it's not that easy, you've stolen my heart and I want to get it back. On this day I know there's no way I can even try and think about the case I'm working on-on this night even though I'm not religious I'll say a prayer for you-at least if I miss you I can have some peace knowing that you're safe.

Every year on the anniversary of your shooting talk to you-pretend things are the way they were when you were still here. I'd grab a bottle of beer and imagine you and me at a bar talking about the latest case.

At this moment all I want is to hold you tight-imagine that you're in love with me and that you never left me. But I know it's impossible for us to ever be together now-it's not fare you didn't deserve to be shoot-you didn't deserve to have your life taking away from you-your job, your home. Your friends, your life stolen with a simple pull of the trigger, well two pulls really.

"I hope you're having a better day than me." I mutter to you even though I know you can't hear me even though I know you probably aren't even thinking of me.

I don't know how but somehow someday I'm going to find you-no matter what it takes. I'll be with you again and on that day I'll tell you how I feel. I'm coming for you Alex.

Authors note: Okay tell me what you think, should I continue? Please-please-please if you've read this please review!


	2. Chapter 2

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Disclaimer: I don't own law and order SVU or any of its characters they belong to Dick Wolf.

Quote: Love is the river of life in the world. –Henry Ward Beecher

I sat doing paperwork at my desk. The captain was late, it's unusual for him to be late, in fact before then he'd only been late once. He had dark circles under his eyes, he too had been thinking of you the night before. Well everyone at the precinct except maybe Casey would have been thinking of you, but I don't think as much as me and I don't think they felt as much pain as me. Were like family here at the precinct, Don's the father and then Munch is the strange old uncle, things haven't changed much since you left.

I'm sure it hurt the captain to lose a daughter, to lose you in a strange way it makes me feel better to think that I'm not the only one to have missed you.

Did you know that over the years I have longed for you? Before I met you I had always thought I'd end up alone after having a million divorces like Munch and in the end be alone. But now that you're gone I know I can never do that, I'll never get married unless it's to you, let alone get divorced.

Munch finally arrived, as always he got to the precinct at the last possible moment. He made a distinct move for the coffee machine I immediately stood up to say I was going to get coffee from starbucks.

I needed some fresh air and caffeine in my system to rid my thoughts of you. Your face seemed to be everywhere in my mind, I searched my brain trying to find something else to think of. Of course nothing but the memories of victims and rapist were to be found so I simply gave up and rushed to starbucks eager for the caffeine.

I knew at that point that I would never get over you, that I had better stop trying. Over the years I had began to think of you less, I wondered as I walked into starbucks, when I grew old would I stop thinking of you save for those moments when I saw something that reminded me of you? Would I grow old and have the pain of your loss slowly fade away?

The night before on the anniversary of your 'death' I had made a promise to myself, to you although you couldn't hear me that I would find you. Until the day you were in my arms (or rejecting me) I'd search for you.

The smell of coffee wafted into my nose as I approached the cashier. "How can I help you?" The lady said in a flat tone devoid of any emotion.

"Six coffee's please."

"Cummin' right up."

_Cummin'_? I thought, god lady learn English would you.

My mind began to wander, how could I track you down? It was then that I remembered that place where I'd met up with you the day after your 'death', the place where I learned you'd be going into the witness protection program. Perhaps just perhaps I'd learn I clue to your whereabouts there.

It was snowing outside; a thin layer of white already covered the ground. I remembered as stood waiting for my coffee how you had always hated winter how you kept a calendar x-ing off the days until spring.

I remember how you come into work on some days muttering to yourself, "twenty more days of this frozen hell." or something like that. Your bitterness towards winter made me laugh, I always told you it wasn't that bad.

I had prayed the night before for your safety for your happiness, I prayed to a god I had stopped believing in long ago that one day we'd be together again, me and you. I hoped that god was listening, but then I reasoned with myself, even if you were to come back would you want to be with me? I doubted that.

"Mam your coffee ready!"

"What? Oh sorry I was in my own little world.

The lady gave e a strange look then asked for me to pay. I realized that I had started to walk away without paying. Usually I didn't pay the other guy who worked at the starbucks usually served me and because I was a cop he didn't make me pay.

The other guy came in, "I no Jessie, she's a detective, special privileges-no pay on coffee and donuts." He said then smiled at me.

Jessie sighed and muttered something under her breath. I left after thanking her.

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A pretty blonde lay in bed with a man she'd only just met; do I really want this-this life can I settle for it and except it? She asked herself. Dear god I miss my old life, I miss the smells of the city and the power of the court-but most of all I miss the people. Thousands of people-each they're own world separate from one another all working as one. I miss Don, Elliot, Munch, Fin and most of all 'Liv, she was like a best friend to me.

_The blonde's name was Eliza. Olivia, she thought, I miss you. Over the years there had been times where the blonde had questioned if Olivia had been more than just a friend to her. But she had always stopped herself trying to convince herself that she didn't love Olivia that she had other lovers. And until that moment when the blonde lay thinking of Olivia well she lay in bed with a man she didn't know she had never realized that she was in love with the detective. Well now I know, she thought._

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Authors note: Tell me what you think, should I update?


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own law and order SVU or any of it's characters they belong to Dick Wolf. I also dont own the poem so yeah.

**Eternal Sun**

_Some days when the skies cloud over  
We don't know what to do  
Should we give up or carry on  
Or move to somewhere new?_

Elliot peered over at me from his desk, it seemed like he was trying to hide the fact that he was staring at me. I knew he was trying to read my face, see what he could salvage from the ruins of my person.

"Hey 'Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't look so hot, are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah," I responded, "I just need some fresh air that's all."

He knew I was lying, he probably also knew what was bothering me, you Alex. I wondered for a moment if he knew I had feelings for you. Knowing him he probably did, but he was my partner and knew me well enough not to press the issue.

I left the paperwork I had been staring at for the last hour and went to the rooftop. By that point everyone in the precinct knew that people went to the precinct for privacy during the workday when they needed to clear their mind.

No one made a move to follow me; it was like some unwritten contract we all had to give each other a little privacy.

I was a bit surprised to see someone up on the rooftop until I realized it was Munch. He didn't seem to hear my footsteps approaching nor did he make any move to show he knew I was there when I came and leaned over the rail beside him.

His eyes looked intently on the world below, searching for something. "See something interesting?" I asked finally he spoke.

"Just looking at the world beneath us, I mean look at them-all those people naïve to the true pain and suffering of the rest of the world."

I swallowed hard, Munch was smart and all but his ideas of the world were different. Not that I blame him, he'd seen his share of darkness in his time. Still the things he said made it a little awkward to talk to him.

"It's not their fault though…it's sad how happy they are because soon enough they'll see the true pain of the world, and then they wont be prepared…" He said trailing off.

I smiled for no reason; I knew Munch was one guy who'd never change. Still on some level I realized that behind his cynical and sarcastic comments he was like any of us, he was happy sometimes…other times depressed. I realized he was jealous of all the people beneath us who didn't see what we saw every day. But he'd never give up to join them he'd always be one of us he knew that he had to do this job, that it was his purpose in life.

"Why did you come up here Liv?"

"Do I need a reason?" I shot back; caught of guard by his question.

"Yeah…you do weather we like it or not everything that happens in life has a reason…some reasons are just stupider than others."

"I just needa clear my head that's all." I said slowly then let out a sigh.

"Were you thinking of Alex last night?" he asked.

"Yeah why?"

"We all miss her Liv."

I sighed I knew he was right but I felt angry with him, how could he talk to me about you? He had no idea what went through my head last night. He didn't know how painful it was for me to talk about you.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Liar." He responded softly.

He was right of course I did want to talk about you but it was just difficult for me to discuss you with anyone else. I turned away and looked at the sun.

"You'll ruin your eyes looking at the sun like that, watch out or you'll end up like me hiding from the light behind your glasses."

I rolled my eyes and turned back to him, weird old uncle Munch. "I don't exactly want to talk about Alex right now, okay?" I said with a slight hint of annoyance in my voice.

"Relax, despite popular belief there aren't cameras up here recording our every move. Trust me I've checked."

"I miss her that's all." I said softly, thinking of you brought tears to my eyes but Munch didn't seem to notice. I hated standing there letting my emotions run free.

"Excuse me for asking, but was there ever anything going on between you two?" He asked.

"No, we were best friends that's all."

"Did you want there to be?"

"God what's with all these questions since when are you interested in my personal life?" I yelled at him.

"So you did…relax Liv I don't care, and this conversation of ours is private okay? So no worries."

I took in a few deep breaths, "Look at all those people, they probably have never lost anything important to them in their entire lives! But soon life will come around to bite them in the ass."

"Liv calm down you're starting to remind me of myself, which sadly doesn't seem to be a thing to rejoice amongst your generation."

I smiled at his last comment, "I had feelings for her, but now that she's gone she'll never know, not that she ever felt the same way anyways. I just wish that things were different."

"I know, maybe she'll come back someday…maybe not, either way there's no use sulking over the past we just have to move forward with our lives and accept the cards were dealt with."

"But that's just it how do I move on? I mean do I just pretend I never had feelings for her? Besides what gives you the right to tell me to move on? We all know you certainly haven't."

For a moment I saw a brief flash of emotion behind his glasses but it quickly dissipated, he wasn't prepared to let me see his world. "Liv it's not about moving on, it's about accepted life for what it is, and hoping for better days ahead."

"I have accepted it. Anyways I just need some alone time okay? And John I'm sorry for my previous comment, I'm just under a lot of stress right now."

With that I walked away and went to the washroom. I sat on the toilet seat breathing in the sent of lemon cleaner, tears streaming down my face, my thoughts were of you and only you.

_If we always wanted summer  
Forever we would roam  
And the closer we got to the sunshine  
The further we'd be from home_

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The days turned into weeks and then into months, I gave up on that whole "finding you" thing. I knew you had disappeared into witness protection long ago. I heard rumors of a bureau chief named Cabot, I wondered and hoped it was you. But then I asked myself, why hadn't you tried to contact me?

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A car pulled up to the young blonde's driveway, great she thought another check up.

"Eliza, hi."

"Hello." She responded dryly.

"Come uh let's sit down somewhere eh?"

She sat down on the floor like a small child angry for not being bought a candy at the store.

"You'll like the news I have, trust me." He said looking down at Alex with narrowed eyes.

When she didn't move he started talking anyways, "Velez has been…dealt with. You're free."

At that point the young blonde was glad she wasn't standing up for she would have surely falling at this news, "W-what?"

"You're free, now hurry up and get your ass to New York, where you'll be giving further instruction, go Alex you're free…unless of course you _want_ to stay here."

"Oh god no! Of course I want to go home, get me on the first plane out of here!"

_The sooner that we learn  
To see the seasons through  
The closer we'll become  
There lives eternal sun..._

- Paul Hanafin -

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Author's note: Well tell me what you think. This story isn't turning out as I planed, but that's because Conviction came out, either way I hope you liked it. If you have any constructive criticism please give it to me, I won't mind or anything, just tell me weather or not you think I should update. Anyways toodles for now, buh bye.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own law and order SVU or any of its characters they belong to Dick Wolf I'm only borrowing them for none-profit purposes.

Quote: Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.-author unknown

I'd heard the rumors but I never thought they were true. You'd returned and you didn't tell me. I suppose you had distanced yourself from me and from the rest of your "old life", I knew that I should have done the same but I wasn't like you nor had I ever lived your life. I guess that because of my childhood as an adult I always hung on to the few friends I had, but I bet you were popular, you found it easy to make friends.

Days seemed to pass in a blur in those days, the victims although different people all had the same stories of horror. My life was shared with the perps and the victims, each case seemed to take a bit of me away with it. The only reason I survived was because of my colleagues, they were the ones who knew me best, their jokes made whatever was left of my person laugh.

Once again I found myself driving to a crime seen with Elliot, trapped in another traffic jam. I watched the world outside my window, pigeons flying about dumbly, people walking the crowded streets robotically. It seemed silent in the car even though the radio was playing softly.

My thoughts remained of you, first happiness because you were back then anger because you never called me. Or was I just a bad reminder of what you'd been through? Elliot wasn't very talkative he was humming along to something on the radio. It was funny how he didn't realize he was doing it; I couldn't help but smile to myself.

I exhaled slowly and rolled down my window suddenly we were blasted by the noise of the city. I smelt the smell of gasoline and wrinkled my noise in disgust. I promptly rolled my window back up and sighed then looked ahead. Soon I found myself drifting off to sleep.

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I was distracted all day, of course that being totally your fault. I was so angry at you, how could you forget about me? I fought the urge to cry, I was strong, I never cried, at least rarely.

Did you ever think about me? I wondered as I sat at my desk chewing the end of my pen. So far there were no leads on the case I tried to think about that, anything really to distract me from the thought of you.

I needed to do something anything to get away from the thought of you, because it was tearing me up. I knew I'd have to confront you eventually, I mean I loved you too much not too. But I just wanted it to be you who confronted me not the other way around.

I sighed and decided that today I'd go see you after work, might as well get it over with. The day passed agonizingly slow, not that I minded I mean though I hate to admit it I was nervous about seeing you again after all this time.

When the day was finally done I questioned whether it was really necessary to visit you. After all maybe you didn't want to see me why else wouldn't you have at least called? But a part of me knew I had to visit you, that in truth I didn't really have a choice

I didn't drive particularly fast nor with much enthusiasm that night. For the first time in years I Olivia Benson was nervous and because I was visiting a friend…Well former friend.

I reached your office; a light was on a good sign that you were there. I felt the not forming in my stomach. I was controlled by two emotions, dread and anticipation; I fought to not let my fear show as I knocked on your door.

"Come in." I heard your strong controlling voice say. Until that point I had still wondered whether or not I was wrong, maybe there was another Alexandra Cabot out there.

Slowly I opened the door you didn't look up. I stood still for a moment watching you evidently working on paperwork. Your blonde hair fell elegantly across your shoulders, and your blue eyes scanned the paper in front of you.

"You can put the file on my desk." You said, when I didn't move you finally looked up. You looked surprised I mean how else would you look, "Oh…I'm sorry I thought you were someone else." You said slowly trying to hide your shock.

"Hi." I said weakly, I felt so childish in my embarrassment.

"Liv?" You questioned as if unsure if it was me or some imposter.

"Alex?" I returned.

You smiled; it was then that I realized that I wasn't the only one who was nervous. "Um w-would you like to sit down?"

I nodded and took my place in front of your desk. Unsure of what to say I said, "I heard you had returned and thought I should drop by your office to say hi, uh I guess I'll get going now."

"No wait, would you like to go get a drink or something I realize we have a lot of catching up to do."

"Yeah sure." I replied, inside though I was anything but thrilled. You smiled weakly then got up, I too stood up. You went over to the door to retrieve your coat, and then turned back to me. You smiled again then hugged me catching me off guard. "I missed you Liv, I missed everything I'm so glad to be back."

I wanted to say I missed you too but I was lost for words. You abruptly ended your embrace, you waved for me to follow you, "I know this cute little bar close to here." You said walking out into the hallway I followed you no longer nervous or scared, why had I been anyways?

I smiled, it felt strange to smile I realized it was something I rarely practiced. Already I'd forgotten about my anger towards you. How could I be angry with someone who made me so happy?

It felt so unreal for you to be so close, there'd been many times when I thought I saw you then upon closer inspection realized it was not in fact you. I suppose I saw a bit of you in everyone…I guess it was like you had died and now were brought back to life. Maybe I thought there was hope that one day I too could regain my person and be everything I could be. Maybe but probably not I thought to myself then scolded myself for thinking something so cheesy.

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Author's note: Hope you liked it if it was bad I'll rewrite but I doubt that'll be necassary. Anyways just tell me if you liked it or please I do urge you to give constructive criticism, I'd actually rather appreciate it because it does no harm only makes my story better. Anyways toodles for now,

100FACES

Oh and also thanks so much to all my reviewers I love you all!


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